phantasmagoria

Wah. I wonder if I should delete my online journals? I don't pay attention to them much... or fill them with anything, though I feel I should. I buy journals and stuff and never fill them... like everything else in my life. I never finish what I start, whether it is a story or a friendship or anything else on my to-do list besides school work.

Homework consumes most of my day, and then stupid tumblr and facebook. But I hate facebook the most because every time I log on I see the things I'm left out of. I'm starting to feel that I am not really wanted and am closing in on myself. I don't even remember how to make new friends or initiate gatherings with old ones, and there are so many people I want to talk to but I am to afraid to. The social anxiety I thought I had gotten rid of keeps coming back up and it's killing me that I'm not bothering to fight it off. I feel like I bother whoever I talk to, so I don't do it.

4 years in college and I'm still not sure what to do. I miss writing, but I can't seem to do that anymore... maybe I wasn't meant to do that, then?

I do love to bake. :|

I really need to pick things and stick with them. I need to try harder. I need to do less... accounting.

Maybe I should just say fuck it and go back to doing what I wanted to do all along no matter how bad I am at it. I need to do what makes me happy because I'm forgetting how to be happy.